Day 7 Love the Skin you're in.

Yesterday I decided to just to take a day out from self-improvement, self-reflection etc and as it was the Weekend just be on holiday for the day.

I had a lie in then wandered down the village for a lovely lunch date with myself and headed to the beach to sunbathe, swim and read my book.

As I don't have much to report except having a wonderfully relaxing day I thought I'd use todays blog to unpick some of the body issues I've been struggling with lately and that I feel will be relatable to many people, especially women.

Last year I gave up smoking after 40 years. Of course the benefits to this are huge and I did feel pretty bad-ass for finding the strength to beat this very addictive habit.

It's not uncommon to gain weight after quitting and I've certainly been no exception.

Since October last year I've gained a stone and a half and 2 dress sizes.

This has been an eye opener to me and made me aware just how much my self confidence, especially when meeting new people has been tied in to having a slim body.

Between the ages of 17 and 34 I worked on and off as a stripper , pole dancer and lap dancer. This was the main source of income for my family for many years. It also in a strange way gave me some power and control in my own life. Rebecca at 17 was in many ways broken on the inside, felt powerless and had learned to exist in a way that was almost dependent on being sexually available and constantly seeking to be seen as desirable to the 'Male gaze'**

**"In feminist theory, the male gaze is the act of depicting women and the world in the visual arts and in literature from a masculine, heterosexual perspective that presents and represents women as sexual objects for the pleasure of the heterosexual male viewer"

My figure at the time was one of the only things I had any confidence in and the only way I knew back then to get attention and approval. Stripping seemed a natural choice for me. I had the credentials and was realising at this point that my lifes dream of becoming one of Pans People was unlikely to come true. I was already existing by validating myself under the male gaze, may as well make a few quid out of it .

What I hadn't counted on was my alter ego Jezebel and the profound effect she would have on my life.

Yes Rebecca felt pointless and inadequate at that time but the character I created ( or did she create me? ) was the opposite.

Jezebel was feisty, confident, took no prisoners on that stage. I'm aware there are going to be conflicting viewpoints around this but I have no regrets about this time of my life.

Jezebel gave me the power to say no. You can look but not touch, she showed me a fierceness I didn't know I had and for once I felt like I was in control. I was capitalising on the Male Gaze instead of being used and abused by it.

I retired at 34 and have many more skills and strings to my bow nowadays. I have many reasons to be proud of myself but to some degree have still hidden behind my figure on countless occasions without realising it...... Until now.

Putting on weight has been challenging for me. It has brought many issues that I believed were resolved back to the fore.

Publically I've been claiming to feel voluptuous and sexy. Loving my 'Nurse Gladys Emmanuel' body. Privately not so much .

Sometimes I've struggled to leave the house feeling ugly, frumpy and finding long buried feelings of shame and worthlessness bubbling up to the surface.

Of course as a Crone, a Witch, a Woman I know this is not how I am supossed to be feeling. I know that remnants of an abusive childhood and the ever present shadow of the paitriarchy and many other complex issues are at play here.

I truly believe women are beautiful in all shapes and sizes in fact as I get older my taste in woman is changing and I'm more attracted to a lady with gorgeous curves nowadays

I know I have work to do on loving my new curvy body and being here in Greece seemed my ideal opportunity to put in the work.

I must say that the predominately female crowd here , away from the aformentioned 'male gaze' makes life on the beach much easier. Gorgeous, glorious women of all shapes, sizes and ages fill the beach. Wobbly bits are wobbling free, bodies in all their varied glory are on display and noone is sucking in their belly. It's fabulous.

Back at the house, relishing the privacy I've become quite the nudist and mostly if I'm at the house I'm naked.

I'm spending time getting used to this new rounded version of me and starting to love it.

Every morning when I put my sun lotion on I have created a ritual of self love.

I thank my legs and curvy thighs for keeping me standing, even at times when I felt I couldn't carry on.

I thank my rounded stomach for being the oven that baked 5 precious lives as I became a Mum.

I thank my arms for holding my babies, for holding my lovers, for holding on through the roughest of storms.

I thank my breasts ( now a voluptuous G G ) for feeding my babies, giving them strength and life and boosting their immune systems. I also thank them for earning a pretty penny over the years and making sure my babies had food, clothes, holidays and a roof over their head.

I thank and give love to every part of my long suffering, amazing body that has sustained me thus far. I've not always given it the love and respect it deserves but it's kept me going regardless.

I can't express enough how this daily ritual is having a transformative effect on me.

One amazing moment was when I became tearful during the ritual and my mind went to my childhood and when my complicated relationship with my body began. As often happens a lot of hurt and anger at people for not protecting me and leaving me in an unsafe environment came up.

Hecate appeared besides me in the mirror and said " they just weren't able to support you, it wasn't about you they simply weren't able" I felt so much peace and letting go in that moment and I've felt something in me shift from that moment.

I'm finding it so easy to look at my new body shape now. I love to feel the sun on it and I reccomend anyone struggling with body issues to take 5 minutes a day to create a ritual of self love and grattitude.

I'm even in love with my new big, round backside. I've never had much of a bum but I'm certainly making up for it now and I've gone from being mad about it to celebrating it.

I even sashay to the village with a shake of my hips now.

just call me Kim Kardashi-Nan.

I truly hope by sharing this it will resonate with anyone who is not loving themself fully , just as they are. This blog will be the hardest to share.

I truly appreciate everyone who reads this, it's proving to be an emotional journey for me.

And to my dear friend Gail who said " your blog is good and well written but can't you get laid or start a riot or something" I've still got a week left anything could happen.

I'll be back tomorrow with updates, pics and videos from my travels but today this seemed important today.

Bright Blessings and much love Bex.xxx

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